As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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