Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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