I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
