____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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