The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
