There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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