Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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