her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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