I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
