I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
