At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
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My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
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Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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