omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
