I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
