I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
