well I can't set my house on fire every night
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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