im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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