My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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