He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
