I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
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He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
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I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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