remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
