I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
