I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
