I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
