Jerry, you need to find god
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
