My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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