I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
