I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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