On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
