I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
