I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
