3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
