So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
