I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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