How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
