So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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