hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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