Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
