Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
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