i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
