I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm both gender and math confused
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
