i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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