decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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