If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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