you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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