You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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