we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
