Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
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I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
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I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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