I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
