I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Is it penis luge time yet?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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