i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
