Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
